My heart going Boom, Boom, Boom

On my Birthday this year, while Morgan was at her theater class I drove down to the pier at Crystal Beach to watch the sun set over Lake Erie. For close to two hours, I sat in my car and watched the sun move down the western sky while I tried to make some sense of the overwhelming tangle of logistics that were in front of me.

Sitting on that pier was the last place I thought I should be… I had so much to do – so much to figure out – so much piling up in front of me and onto my shoulders… so much was unknown. Tense does not even come close to describing my shallow breathing/shoulders up to my ears/heart pounding state that evening. But, eventually I resigned myself to the fact that I would not gain any “productive” time by driving back home, gave into the beautiful sunset and starting working through writing down the stuff to do in front of me in the Self Journal that Marcus had given me for my Birthday.

It was a stunning sunset that evening. An absolutely perfect melding of blue, pink, purple and yellow in the sky that intensified as it reflected back again over the water. I found myself wondering if the sunsets in Koh Lanta would be this beautiful… wondering if I would ever see a sunset so perfect again… wondering if this mountain of work that was starting to take the shape of a plan in my journal was going to be worth the effort… wondering if I was embarking on the biggest mistake of my life…

Then all of a sudden, Peter Gabriel’s “Solsbury Hill” came on the radio and I found myself listening to the lyrics as though it was the first time I had ever heard it. It felt at that moment as though the song had been written just for me… to hear at that precise moment. It’s a song about taking a chance… and about being prepared to lose what you have for what you might gain… a song about letting go.

I turned into the biggest, messiest puddle of mush… just weeping in my car. For the first time in the YEARS that we had been planning this adventure – even with an overwhelming list of things to do in front of me – and absolutely no certainty on anything… I felt that regardless of what happened – my family was going to be ok… and that all of this was going to work out. I felt a moment of peace… and I knew that we could do this… and that it was going to be worth everything.

That moment was just a little over three months ago. I’ve pulled up “Solsbury Hill” to listen to anytime I’ve needed reminding that the work I have to do will be worth it, or if I have needed reassurance that my family was going to be ok on this adventure. I listen to it over and over again… soaking in ever word… till I’m ready to do what needs to be done. I looked back this morning at my journal – and all that has gotten done in those 13 weeks… it kind of blows my mind… and even though we haven’t left yet – I know it’s been worth it.

Today I don’t need a replacement
I’ll tell them what the smile on my face meant
My heart going boom, boom, boom
Hey, I said, you can keep my things they’ve come to take me home
– Peter Gabriel – from Solsbury Hill